By Peter Grammer
Admissions Intake Specialist, Ohio Community Health Recovery Centers
For years I never thought I would find a life worth living in recovery.
I was lost, confused, and uncomfortable in my own skin. I had no idea who I was, or who I even wanted to be sober. The years I spent avoiding myself through drugs and alcohol made it almost impossible to look at the man in the mirror during the brief periods I would manage to get clean. What I figured out during those periods was that using felt comfortable and being sober felt unbearable. So for a long time, I kept choosing comfortable.
The results were not pretty. By the time I was 25, I had no real work experience, had never lived on my own, and had no idea how to live life on life’s terms. What I knew was how to numb everything out and hope things would somehow work themselves out. They did not.
I Was Doing It Wrong
Looking back, I can see exactly where I kept going wrong. I wanted to feel good in sobriety first, and then take the action that was recommended to me. That is not how it works. You have to take the action to feel good. I had the whole thing backwards.
My early twenties were a constant cycle of addiction, short stretches of sobriety, and a dark cloud of depression that would settle in the moment my emotions and memories started coming back to the surface. I hated the chaos and brokenness that came with my addiction, but I was terrified of what sobriety would bring. Most of my sober time was spent sleeping, broke, miserable, and watching the damage I was doing to my family pile up. There did not seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel because every time I got clean, the tunnel just got darker.
I do not know why I held on so long to doing things my way. The evidence was right in front of me.
The Jumping Off Point
The question I get asked most often today is what finally changed. Here is the honest answer: I ran out of road.
At 25, I was unemployed, not welcome at any of my family members’ homes, and had nowhere else to turn. I was scared of the depression that I knew would come with sobriety, but I was more scared of what my life was going to look like if I kept going the way I was going. People in recovery call that moment the jumping off point. I know it as my saving grace.
I had no sense of self when I walked into treatment that time. I was flooded with feelings of failure, had no goals, and could not picture any version of my future that felt worth working toward. My only goal in those early days was to get through one more day sober. That was it. Just one more day.
What Actually Works
As time went on I put in the work, in treatment and in 12-step communities, and slowly things started to shift. More goals came. Slowly, then all at once.
What I learned is that the results follow the action, not the other way around. Every time I did what was recommended for me to do, specifically when I did not want to do it, that is when things started to change. It was painful and frustrating and slow. But it worked.
Recovery has done for me slowly what alcohol and drugs once did quickly. I finally became comfortable in my own skin.
The Life I Did Not Expect
Some days the life I am living today does not feel real.
I went back to school and finished my degree. My relationships with my family and friends are the best they have ever been. I ran a marathon. I have held down jobs for years instead of months. I take vacations, go to ball games, go to concerts. I do things I could not have imagined doing when I was in the middle of my addiction.
But the best part of all of it is not any of those things. The best part is my relationship with myself and with God today. I love who I am. I get to enjoy my life without needing anything to get me there. I do not have the desire to drink or use to feel okay. That, to me, is the miracle.
Where I Am Now
Today I work as an Admissions Intake Specialist at Ohio Community Health Recovery Centers, and I get to be one of the first voices a person hears when they decide to ask for help. That means a lot to me. I know what it takes to make that call. I know how much courage it requires and how much fear usually comes along with it.
The secret to how I got here is not complicated, even if it was hard. I did what the professionals, the people in recovery, and the people who loved me recommended. I took the action and let the results follow. If you are someone who has been doing things your way for a long time and it is not working, I understand that more than I can say.
There is another way. I am proof of it.
If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction or mental health challenges, Ohio Community Health Recovery Centers is here to help. Call (877) 679-2132 or contact us online to learn more.
